


My Dearest Merlin

by Adolescentcatlady



Series: Merlin Genderbent AU [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Always Female Arthur, Always Female Merlin, Always Male Gwen, Always Male Morgana, F/M, genderbent au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adolescentcatlady/pseuds/Adolescentcatlady
Summary: Genderbent Merlin AU!Merlin’s magic was discovered by the King and she was quickly banished. However, Princess Arina Pendragon continues to write letters to her old servant throughout the years.
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin Genderbent AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940761
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just thought of this idea to make myself sad, but I hope you enjoy!

My dearest Merlin, 

It has been many weeks since you left, I hardly know what to say. I’d like to apologize for my father’s quick and harsh reaction to your revelation. I also sincerely for my own reaction to it. I should’ve done something, anything but I looked away. I looked away and allowed it to happen. Of course, you have been fully forgiven by myself. It’s not as if I’ve missed you. Servants are easily replaced, as i”ve told you on many occasions. My new servant, Georgiana, proves definitively that you were the laziest servant in the entire palace. I’ve had to ask her to leave many times in the few short minutes since I started this letter to you. 

I had to pause my writing for a few days. Life is never boring in Camelot, as you well know. Leon sends his love, by the way. He’s the only one I dare mention this attempt to communicate to. He’s always been loyal, and I swear there was a faint blush on his cheeks when I mentioned you. You may have stolen my future husband from me, which I will add to your list of transgressions against me. I jest, of course. I’ve been thinking of devising a plan to convince my father to grant you pardon. I doubt it’ll truly happen, but there’s always hope, as a dear person near to me has taught me. 

I meant to ask if you’ve seen any of your Irish whore. I thought he’d have swept you away as soon as you allowed yourself to be, or at least, word was sent to him that you are no longer in Camelot. If word like that had been sent, I’m sure he’d be at your side in seconds. Even if you don’t believe me, although I am the one most experienced at love between us. By that I mean, of the countless proposals I’ve been offered, nothing more. 

I have no reason to expect an answer, I can’t begin to comprehend to the level that I’ve offended you. I do completely wish you well, and hope you’ll find peace wherever you may be. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I couldn’t bring myself to write again to you. Your absence becomes more and more obvious, even though I was hoping it would lessen with time. You’d be proud to know that even your absence annoys me much more than your presence ever could. I hope you’re enjoying your time back at your old home. Your true home, I suppose. I know you moved to Camelot only a few years ago, but I had hoped it would’ve become home for you. That you were truly comfortable here. It’s strange to me that I’m never truly comfortable anymore. There’s no longer a friendly face in the crowd, just the faces of people who expect so much of me when I can give them so little. Perhaps one day, I’ll be good enough to deserve the love they so readily give. 

It’s the night before my birthday. The night where my father has far too much wine and claims he’d rather have my mother than me. The statement seems to slip his memory in the morning. You’re the only other soul who’s witnessed that unofficial tradition. I’ve never liked my birthday, not only for that reason. It never felt important or special. I’d rather spend it alone than with a court full of people only there for the feast. 

There was some good fortune on my birthday, however. I expressed the wish of spending it alone with Gareth, and before you ask, we haven’t been spending any extra time together, we just make conversation when we see each other. He found me after the feast and said some very lovely things. It earned him a kiss, but only a small one. Princesses cannot give their kisses out to just anyone. 

I will no longer bother you with my thoughts of the past couple weeks. I was looking into organizing a hunt or a trip of some kind, just across the border. There’s good game there, I hear, and even better company, if it can be persuaded to leave their mother’s house and come share a tankard with an old friend. 

All the best,  
Arina Pendragon


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these ones are sad, I’m sorry  
> gareth is gwen and mordred is morgana, for everyone keeping up with the genderbent names

My dearest Merlin, 

This will be a short one I’m afraid. I’ve organized a hunting party just across the border. We’ll be there in two weeks for three days. There will be a tent ready for you, if you wish to take it. 

Your friend,  
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I missed you on our hunting trip. Any breaking branch or slight noise, I had convinced myself it was you coming to join us. How many times I imagined your face between the trees. I understand why you wouldn’t want to see me again. My father did you a great harm, but please do not let the brash actions of my father affect any friendship we ever had. If we had a friendship at all. Which who knows if we did. I was your mistress and you were my servant. I didn’t mean to treat you particularly awful, my dear friend. If there’s anything I can do to make amends, please inform me. 

Mordred asked me why I continue to send these to you, even with no reply. I would say he seems happy you’re no longer here. He’s been acting strange though recently. As if he knows something I don’t, like there’s some conspiracy. Perhaps there is, but it doesn’t seem to matter. There were villagers who came from Elaldor, seeking assistance from Camelot. I wished I had asked them how you were, however I wish to respect your privacy and your peace. If you ever need any assistance, I will send you as much as you need. 

Gwaine has yet to reply to my letters as well. I hope he found you. While I’ll never understand what you truly see in him, I know he made you happy and protected you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. Give him my best wishes as well. 

Your friend,  
Arina Pendragon 

My dear Merlin, 

I admit I have been rather emotional the last few letters, but this one I write with my heart lightened by recent events. I proclaimed my true feelings to Gareth and he reciprocated. I’ve never been happier. Every tournament won and any accomplishment has faded from my mind. I can only imagine the smug look on your face as you read this, which I cannot care about because I don’t care what anyone else thinks when it comes to this matter. I know nothing could ever come of it, not until I am queen. Even then, it may not be possible. However, I will remain hopeful. Every time I see him in the halls, my heart skips a beat. I can hardly pay attention at dinner, which he’s started to serve for my father, Mordred, and I. I truly believe that he is perfect and I’d do anything to remain with him. No one can know, of course, so please keep this our secret. Unless you’d like to be executed for treason. All in jest, again. You’re blameless in my eyes. 

Mordred discovered my love for Gareth. I cannot tell whether he’s an ally in this situation. He’s become harder to read, unless I never truly knew how to read him. I hope he becomes a new trustworthy companion, I’ve always tried to find new ways to bond with him. It’s just been becoming more difficult as of late. 

My father discovered our love. Gareth is to be banished as well. My father is determined to be rid of everyone I’ve ever loved to ensure my heart is as cold as his when I take my place on the throne. I can’t even write to him, since my father has decided to keep an eye on the notes I send. This will be the last one for a short while. I hope my heart does not grow too heavy before I can speak to you once again. 

Your friend,  
Arina Pendragon


	3. Chapter 3

My dearest Merlin, 

I’ve organized another hunt. There is a tent for you as always. Please consider giving the tent purpose by joining us. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I’m not sure what else I should do. I’ve written to you countless times and the messengers have ensured me that they are being delivered to your village. I suppose I have yet to comprehend that perhaps you don’t wish to speak to me or hear from me ever again. Which again I understand. I just cannot explain to you how much I miss you, Merlin. When I first met you, you were a nuisance. One I wished I could’ve gotten rid of so quickly. Now I wish for nothing more but for you to be back at my side and me at yours. However, dreams are for the night, which has become the only enjoyable time of the day. 

My father has tried to throw me at any passing prince recently. He explained to me that my stubbornness will be my downfall and that he’ll choose the worst prince he can find just to be rid of me. He’s decided Mordred may be a more appropriate occupant for the throne. It’s been a struggle. There was a time he respected what I had to say, but something has changed that. Perhaps it’s Mordred whispering in his ear, spreading lies. Or the overwhelming opinion of the court. They’ve never been supportive of my endeavors. However, it gives me more of an opportunity to sneak away and continue to search for you. I’ll head to Ealdor as soon as I can think of an excuse for being away for so long. The thought of finally seeing you has been giving me hope lately. I just hope it won’t continue to be merely a thought. We shall see what comes to pass. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I have finally found the time to visit Ealdor, I will be there within a fortnight. Please don’t go out of your way. I’ll bring my own supplies, camp in the woods if I must. Truly I’d do anything just to see you again. I’d be happy to even see the face of our favorite Irish whore, if he’s with you. I hope to see you soon. 

Leon continues to send his love, saying he wishes you not to forget him. I assured him that that could never happen, since you were so fond of him. If Gareth never returns to Camelot, Leon will truly be my only hope of being happy within a marriage. I could learn to love him in a way a wife should, not simply loving him just as a friend would. At least our children would have no choice but to be good with a sword, since they will have both mine and his influence on their lives. Hopefully it will not come to pass this way, since Leon deserves much more in a wife than me.

I apologize for all my ramblings. Those fantasies have been giving me comfort, like I’m a child reading a fairy tale. I remember you told me once about how a princess was transformed into a pig by an evil witch and that I must be that pig. I never laughed, but I did after you had left. I lied about many of the things you said, not allowing my face to give away my feelings. You were just as humorous as you constantly claimed to be. You’re the only one who truly didn’t respect me as well. I loved that and I never thanked you for it. As always, I wish you the best. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will merlin be in elador tho??


	4. Chapter 4

My dearest Merlin, 

I went to Ealdor. You weren’t there. Of course you knew that. I met your mother. She was so lovely, I could see the resemblance. I tried to comfort her the best I could. I didn’t know you were truly missing however. I feel so foolish. I just assumed something so quickly about you, as I usually had done. Your mother was very sweet to me as well. She’s the first person that I’ve truly spoken to about you. I appreciate how she allowed me to cry, how she assured me everything would be fine when I knew she didn’t believe it herself. I never could comprehend what I was missing since I did not have a mother of my own, however now I realize how large the hole is in my heart where she should be. It’s nearly as big as the hole where you should be. I will continue my search for you. Your mother gave me the letters I had sent you back. I will create my own collection of letters, until I see you again or I find the proper place to send them. I could stop writing these, but honestly, you are the only person I feel as if I can explain my thoughts to. I will find you one day, my friend. I will not give up so easily. I wish you the best wherever in this world you may be. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

This is the first time I’ve found the strength to write to you when I know I will be placing the letter back into the drawer in my desk with all the others. I have not been able to leave the palace and search for you since I visited your mother. I’ve been keeping her updated with my search as well. It feels as if it’s the least I could do for her. I will continue to do as much as I can for her. 

Oh Merlin, I used to only feel sorrow when I thought about you. Now I’m so worried it’s impossible to think of much else. There hasn’t been much else to think about therefore all is well. I have, however, continued to plan Leon and my future wedding. I was thinking of a change of tradition, perhaps I’ll wear my armor and Leon could wear a dress. That would certainly make it more humorous. I’m sure he’d agree to it as well, he can be eager to please at times.

My father has fallen ill. Nothing serious, Giaus assured me. I couldn’t tell if Mordred was happy or distressed at my father’s condition. I caught him off guard in his room once, and his face changed so quickly, I can’t help but believe he’s trying to hide his true emotions. Hopefully this new change I see in him is merely because he didn’t like the weather that day and not an indication of something more sinister. 

As always, I wish you the best wherever you may be. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I was unfortunately correct about Mordred. He has left the palace. My father is under the impression that it was a kidnapping, however all his favorite clothes are missing. Mordred was rather vain when it came to what he wore. I can only look for one dear friend at a time. My father will have to lead the search for him, while continuing to look for you. I’ll join the search parties myself, to cover more ground looking for you. 

I’ve been searching for so long, I attempted to continue this letter at least thrice before actually managing to complete it. While my father has been so preoccupied with Mordred’s disappearance, I managed to send a letter to Gareth. He said he’s with his brother, both of them living in Lot’s kingdom. We’ve arranged a time to finally see each other again. Leon has become my accomplice more than he knows. He agreed to lie to whoever asks about where I am while I’m with Gareth. Leon is certainly much more eager than I knew. The poor man could make any woman happy. He’s a very dear friend.I wish you the best and I hope you are content and safe wherever you may be. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mordred is being shady as hell, I wonder why


	5. Chapter 5

My dearest Merlin, 

It has been discovered that Mordred no longer wants anything to do with us. He has magic and feels as if my father has wronged him in every conceivable way. He also claimed that he is a Pendragon, my brother. When I asked my father about it, he couldn’t deny it. This will take time to wrap my head around. I tried to imagine what you’d say if you were in the room with me when I discovered the truth. This is one of those occasions where I can’t think of what you’d say. Have you been gone so long that you’re fading from my memory? I’ve been scared that this would happen and it seems as if it finally has. I’ve grown accustomed to seeing Georgiana in the morning, rather than expecting you. I’m so deeply sorry for that. Know that while my mind has accepted your absence, my heart has not. Not in the slightest. 

My father’s health has deteriorated since Mordred left. I can’t blame him. I miss Mordred as well, even though I never knew he was my brother, he’s always felt as if he were my brother. One day, I hope that we can find him and talk with him. I can’t imagine what he’s feeling. But he should be home. As should you. I wish you all the best. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

Before I forget, I wish you all the happiness on the day of your birth. If you’re with that Irish whore, I hope he treats you especially well today. Perhaps he could steal you an apple, but I don’t believe he could do that very successfully. Not without boasting about it immediately and promptly getting caught. That poor man. 

I dearly hope that another year won’t go by without me seeing you. I’ve asked any visitor to Camelot if you’ve been seen. If I ever become queen, I’m sure I’ll have knights whose sole purpose is to look for you. I hope I do not seem so ridiculous. I don’t believe we met on accident. I’ve spent more time with Gaius recently as well. He spoke of how our destinies were intertwined, that there shouldn’t be one without the other. But now, we are apart and nothing seems right. One day, I hope my love can return to Camelot and if he does, my days will be brighter. However, I am confident in the fact that without you, I will not see the true brightness of the sun. It may have to be a new reality I must accept. However much I wish not to. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I couldn’t bring myself to write to you. Much has changed in the past months. My father could not survive the disappearance of Mordred. He’s gone beyond the veil and I’ve taken his place on the throne. I’m now queen of Camelot and I understand that my father never jested on the weight of the crown. The crowning ceremony was cause for much celebration amongst the people. I allowed it to be open to everyone, not just the people of the court. I realize I must humbly take this place and position. It is not for me that I do this, but for the people of my kingdom. Of course, everyone must be allowed a few selfish whims. You and Gwaine are formally pardoned and forgiven by the crown of Camelot. Your banishment has been lifted. I’ll write to Gareth in a few weeks, telling him the same thing. I will have to formally decline Leon’s proposal. That man can find better than me. 

After my first weeks in court, I’ve decided to lift the ban Camelot has held against magic for the past 25 years. If you were to come home, I would ask you to become the first sorceress to hold a position of power in Camelot’s court. When it comes to magic, I am lost. I’m ashamed to admit the mere mention of it fills me with fear. However, the thought of you becoming an ambassador in the court for the people with magic brings me comfort. The position is open to you, as soon as you wish to take it. I hope that the news of Camelot accepting people with magic will reach you and that you will join us. Try to come before my wedding, will you? Georgiana may be a competent servant, but her taste in clothes has always been awful. It makes your neckerchief look like a stroke of genius. 

I wish you all the best and hope you come back. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! lemme know if there’s anything y’all wanna see in the next chapters


	6. Chapter 6

My dearest Merlin, 

It is the morning of my wedding. My hands can’t stop shaking, who knew happiness and fear felt so similar. I have less than an hour before I will be crowning Gareth in front of the whole court. Many members of the council told me of their fears. That he would corrupt the royal bloodline, that my marriage should be much more politically advantageous. However, they would make whoever I married king if it were up to them. But of course, I can’t marry a peasant and name him king. I know I will look into the faces of the crowd and not see yours. No one knows I am still writing to you or even think of you. I haven’t told Gareth of this. I hope he doesn’t find these and think me pitiful. I hope he sees the sadness I still feel. Even though it’s been years. I will not give up hope. Your seat will be open at every event or celebration. One day, I believe you will fill it. 

I wish you the best, always and forever.

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

You’re the first person I’ve told, but it appears that I may be with child. I went to Gaius earlier today. I had been feeling sick for weeks. Georgiana secretly adding a notch to my belt as well, something I’m sure you would have informed me of promptly. I have yet to tell Gareth. I might keep it my secret for the time being. Or our secret rather. I don’t believe Gareth reads these so it will be safe. I suppose I’ll have to find a midwife to help me. I had always imagined it would be you, why you’d ever want to help me through this time I wouldn’t know. I’d want you there though. I feel safe when you’re around. Even though I know I can protect myself. Your presence has always helped. I will continue to believe that you will be here in the next few months to help me through it. 

We’ve heard word that Mordred is gathering an army. To fight against Camelot, I’m sure. I'm trying to devise a plan to see him. Because I’m sure if we spoke face to face, I could get through to him. I consider Camelot to have two lost souls, yours and my brother. I intend to bring both home. I can’t imagine how both of you are feeling being away from the people who love you most and I don’t wish for that feeling to continue. 

Always and forever, I wish the best for you. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

My dearest Merlin, 

I have some sad news to report. I went to see my brother. It was more difficult than I had thought it would to finally organize. But I managed it. For a short while, at least. My brother took the opportunity to attack me, which I should have expected. He was able to stab me before I could get away. Unfortunately, it will be highly unlikely that the child won’t survive. The poor child I couldn’t protect before they even entered this world. My brother obviously did not truly want to talk peace with me. I’m ashamed for blindly believing him. I’m blind just as my father once was. I never even told Gareth where I was going or why, now I may have injured his child. This must remain our secret. I cannot face him. He speaks so happily of our future children and I don’t want my selfish quest to have so negatively affected the outcome of that future. 

It seems as if this child is still holding on, Gaius says I was lucky. Mordred must’ve been too emotional to aim true. At least I know there is some regret in his heart. I will tell Gareth once I know for certain. He may already suspect, but I could just claim your old lie that I’m simply getting fat and that he never should have married me in the first place. Thank the stars he did though. I hope you and Gwaine are happy. I wish this happiness on everyone I meet. Especially two people I love so dearly. Remember your place in Camelot is always open. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon


	7. Chapter 7

My dearest Merlin, 

I haven’t had time to write, I apologize. It’s been a busy time. Preparing to give birth is harder than one expects. I don’t know how women before me went through this. I suppose I am weak when it comes to this. I will be surrounded by women who barely know me and guide me through something they claim my body can do naturally. But of course, my mother died naturally of this as well. We can only trust our bodies so much. I shall update you on the progression of the process. Best wishes my dear friend. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I’ve been feeling what Gaius has called “practice labor” for the past few hours. I’ve been so near death so many times, but nothing has been as painful as this. I fear this may be my last letter for a while. Many people have tried to prepare nannies and nurses for my child, but I have refused all help. If I survive this, I wish to spend as much time with my child and husband as much as possible. If I am to die, I apologize for the sins of my father against you and your people. You’re the dearest friend I’ve ever had. Your presence in my life is something I will always remember and cherish. I’ve promised myself that I will find you again before I die, however I’ve constantly disappointed myself, therefore this will be no different. This is difficult to say and admit to myself, because it solidifies our friendship in ways I’m sure no royal and servant have felt in my family for some time. But I love you, Merlin. You are my dear, dear friend. I’ve never known this sort of love before I met you. It’s not a romantic love, of course. Gareth fills that space for me. However, you fill the space in which friends love each other dearly. More than I love the other knights. Don’t tell Leon, I’ve already broken the man’s heart once. But you have taught me so much and I never thanked you for that. Thank you, my friend. For all you’ve taught me. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

Camelot has a new prince, Garett Tristan Pendragon. He’s the most beautiful child I’ve ever seen. His hair is the same as Gareth’s and he’s darker than I am. I’ve had to dismiss a few members of the court because they said Gareth should be happy our child looks like him, otherwise he wouldn’t have known the child was his. The insolence. I am their queen and my child is in a much higher station than they ever could wish to be. He’s beautiful though. I sometimes don’t sleep because I’m gazing at him. Making sure he’s really mine. That he’s there and not another part of my imagination. I hope you will meet him someday. He needs someone to teach him the ways of the world that me and his father couldn’t. I believe that you should, since you’ve taught me so much. 

I lied about my child. He is a tyrant. Constantly demanding what he wishes exactly when he wishes it. He’s worse than me. I haven’t been able to sleep much. I nearly fell asleep in court the other day. Gareth is staying with him in another room tonight. I’ve never loved that man more. I’m sure we’ll find a rhythm, as he grows this must get easier. He did smile at me today. Garett’s smile is so bright. I’m going to hate watching it diminish as time goes on. But now I must remain optimistic. Please come meet him, Merlin. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon


	8. Chapter 8

My dearest Merlin, 

Gareth asked me about these letters tonight. He’s worried it’s not healthy. That if I don’t accept that you’re gone I will never heal. He meant well, but the thought of giving up hope on you scares me more than anything. I will continue to write them when he’s distracted with other things. These are my only form of escape. Not that I constantly need it. It’s just nice. Very pleasant. I’m worried that I will have to be buried with these letters. Perhaps Gareth is right. I will have to contemplate these thoughts and tell you what I decide. If you never hear from me again though, you will be sure of my decision. I wish you the best. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I attempted to stay away from these letters as much as I could, but I found myself longing to write and get my thoughts out of my head. Garret is 10 months old today. He has become less of a tyrant and recognizes both Gareth and I. He thinks his crown is a toy and chews on it if he is ever given it. The boy will have to learn the power and responsibility that the crown represents before he attempts to put it in his mouth again. But as he can not speak himself, I’m sure that’ll be a difficult conversation. 

Leon has found a wife. She is very lovely and he is absolutely smitten with her. It’s lovely to watch. It seems it is a time for new love and new beginnings and relationships. Some of the other knights have found love. You haven’t met them, of course, but you will. Besides the knight's new love, I have a new love of my own. It appears Gareth and I make quick work of growing our family, as I am with child again. As a new child comes into the world, another great adventure awaits. Perhaps this child will be less demanding. You are the first to know again. As you would have been if you were here in person. I will tell Gareth soon and not go on any other quests to find my brother during this pregnancy. How boring that will be. I hope you’ll be in time for this child, Merlin. I’ll name them after you if that will persuade you. Please come home. 

Your friend,  
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

My husband and child are very eagerly awaiting the arrival of the newest Pendragon. There are still many months to go, but their excitement is obvious. Gaius has informed me that my previous wound will not hurt this child in the slightest. You’ll be proud of me, I faced my fear of magic and allowed Gaius to heal me using an incantation. I feel foolish for being so scared. As foolish as I feel when I see a body of water larger than a bathtub. However, I’ve decided to make progress in both areas. I’m queen of a great kingdom, I can’t allow those things to stop me. 

Your mother came to visit a few weeks ago. She said she wished to congratulate me on Garret’s birth and she was the second one I told of the new child. Your mother is still very sweet, I feel extremely lucky to have met her and for her to actually like me when she met me. I didn’t want both of your first impressions of me to be extreme hatred. I gave her the best room we had and ensured she wanted for nothing. I consider her family, just as I consider you. I try to avoid speaking of you but I couldn’t stop myself. She’s just as worried for you. I will restart my search for you. I don’t know how far you’ve gone, but I am determined now. Not just for me, but for your mother and your friends. Please be safe. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

My dearest Merlin, 

There hasn’t been much to report to you. The kingdom is happy and its people content. Just as I am and I hope you are as well. I’m pleased that the kingdom is in a time of prosperity. I cannot claim that it is all my doing. I accredit it to the new council I’ve created and their ideas. They’ve all done well. I am extremely biased when I say that Gareth has many good ideas, and I completely support them. How could someone think he shouldn’t have a position of power when he does so well? I’ll never understand them. 

Garett has started asking for stories when he goes to bed and the first time he asked, the first story I thought of was about you. About the sorceress who has saved my life and Camelot countless times. I’ll have to ask Gaius for more stories, the one I didn’t know about. The one’s I’m sure you don’t want me to know. However, you’re not here, therefore I can learn all I wish to without you stopping me. Come home if you have any issues with that. Anything to convince you to come home. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


	9. Chapter 9

My dearest Merlin, 

I’ve found myself preparing to have another child, I’m less fearful this time. Especially since I’ve done it before and somehow managed to survive. I’ve also decided I will not be afraid of this any longer. If I can survive once, I’m sure I can survive again. Gareth was attempting to find a way to be with me this time. After I spoke to him of my last experience, he said he didn’t wish for me to feel so alone. It can’t be done, of course. He means well, I cannot believe that he truly wants to be there. No one should wish to be there. I’m sure the next time I have time to write will be after all this is over. 

Camelot has a new princess, Freya Emrys Pendragon. Named after two incredible people I had the privilege of knowing. Now that a princess was named after you, you have to come home. Unless you wish for more in compensation for the way you were treated. I would too, if I were in your shoes. But she is beautiful. Dark like Gareth and Garett. The future royal bloodlines of Camelot will look far different than the ones of the past. Most of my past family members were as light and blonde as I am. But that is all changing now and I’m proud to be a part of it. You’ll also be delighted to know I found a grey hair on my head this morning. I can just imagine the idiotic grin on your face if you had discovered it before I had. I suppose it’s simply a part of growing old. I feel much older now. Wiser, in some respect. Still empty though. In all honesty, Merlin, whenever I pictured my future, you were always there. Of course then you were just a servant, but still a constant in my life. Now it’s strange to experience a future in which you’re not physically a part of. I will have to learn to live with it. Unless I can convince you in some way to come home. Always, I wish you the best. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

It has been some time since I’ve sat down for longer than a few minutes and been able to focus on anything. There’s been some developments in Freya’s little life. A group of druids came to Camelot a few days ago. They spoke of how the prophecy was complete. That the magic in the Pendragon bloodline was strong and was bound to resurface. I originally thought that they were speaking of Mordred, but no. They claim Freya was born with magic and that she will be the light for the witches and warlocks of the kingdom. She’s so young, Merlin. She only just learned to recognize her own name. As she grows up, I’m sure I won’t be able to speak of this. As someone who learned of their own destiny at a young age, I will not do that to my own daughter. She may not even have magic, they could have been lying, Why they’d do that, I wouldn’t know. Unless they knew magic still strikes fear into my heart, because I’m still foolishly ignorant on the matter. However, I may learn it first hand. I wish you were here to help. You could guide as I cannot. If it’s true, I will have to find someone to teach her. Perhaps Gaius will teach her. I’ll have to ask him. 

Since learning of Freya’s destiny, I have taken measures to ensure the protection of people with magic. They are tried equally in the court, they are protected. I intend on making Camelot a safe haven for all people. I hope you get word of this and come home. I’ll make Camelot just as safe for the Irish as it will be for sorcerers, if your whore is worried about that. I don’t know if he’s actually yours, but I will declare him as such. If he hasn’t done all he could to make him yours, he’s as much of an idiot as I always assumed. I hope he’s not. You deserve to be happy. Whenever that may be. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I came to the sudden realization that you may have a family of your own. Whether it be with Gwaine or some other lucky man. This thought brought back the normal feeling of dread I get when I think of our situation. I apologize for how selfish it is to think that I should have ever had the right to see you gain a family and hopefully become happier than I’ve ever seen you. But I do truly hope that you are experiencing that. 

Garett got his first sword today. Of course it was a wooden one, but I haven’t seen him as happy about a gift before. He immediately ran to show Leon his prized possession. Leon agreed to teach him the art of the sword, I’m sure they’ll work well together. Leon’s wife is about to have their first child. I want to be there with her. She came to Camelot a few years ago but still remains mostly to herself. I’ve tried to grow close with her, so perhaps I could help through this. It’s almost humorous, I’ve started to feel some guilt in calling Leon’s wife my friend. I feel as if I’m betraying you. I’m sure you’d be happy? Moving on to a new friend is something I wasn’t sure I could do. I’m not sure I could allow myself to see her as a new friend. She may leave one day as well. Leave and never return no matter how much I beg or plead with the world to give her back to me. I cannot lose another friend. I cannot keep wishing empty pages well, when I know your eyes will never read these words. That your last impression of me was that I accepted my father’s decision, that I never truly cared. Please forgive me, Merlin. It’s one of the only actions in my life and if I must take this guilt with me to the grave, then so be it. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh the irony of there being another magical Pendragon 
> 
> anything ya wanna see?? comment below!


	10. Chapter 10

My dearest Merlin, 

It’s Freya’s birthday today. It’s the first time I had seen her eyes flash gold. She managed to summon a toy to her. I don’t know if I’m proud or terrified. I had no idea the feelings were so similar. Gareth has assured me it will all be perfectly fine. I’ve been worried that she’ll turn into what Mordred became. Gareth has said that it could never happen, because we will give her all the love and acceptance Mordred was constantly looking for in his life. That we will provide everything she could ever ask for. Gareth does so well at reminding me of what’s truly important. And the fact that my child will be loved and grow up knowing that is very important to me. I’ve said before that I will not repeat the sins of my father and keeping an emotionally cold household is not something I will repeat. Freya usually sits with me when I hold court. She’s happy enough now. She tries to ask questions from time to time. Even I can barely understand her. However, I try to answer them as best as possible. Some of the court has expressed their disapproval of a young princess sitting in. I simply asked them if they believed if it was fair for a child to be apart from their mother. I haven’t heard any complaints since then. 

When I see Freya, I think of you. You’ve always consumed my thoughts though, therefore there’s no real change. I intend on sending out a search party for you again. I’ll keep it a secret from the rest of the court. They won’t like it. If I do finally discover you and you do have a family of your own, I should hope there is a child named after me, as I’ve named a child after you. I jest again. I haven’t done anything worthy of a child’s name sake. I did only use your name as my child’s second name, not the first, so you hardly owe me anything. You don’t owe me anything at all. I continue to owe you. I will repay you one day. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon 

My dearest Merlin, 

I believe I heard news of Gwaine. Well, I heard villagers mention a swordsman who they believed to be the best they had ever seen. They also mentioned he had the most beautiful hair they had ever seen, much to their disappointment since all the women were talking about him. If that isn’t a perfect description of Gwaine, I’m not sure what is. I’ll send a note to that village, see if he’s safe. See if you’re safe with him. I can’t hope too much. My heart cannot handle much more disappointment. 

Garett has adopted a kitten. I thought it would be awful to have a personal animal, however, I’ve grown to love it as much as he has. Perhaps this is why I never enjoyed dogs. They’re much too energetic. Cats are much better. I apologize for telling you such menial things. They seem exciting when a child is excited about them. You will understand one day, or perhaps you already do. I hope you already do. Children are the gift people say they are. Obviously I knew that as soon as I had my own. I’m just hit with it some days. I didn’t know my heart was capable of such love. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! I’m coming to the end of what I’ve got written out for this so look out for the last chapter


	11. Chapter 11

My dearest Merlin, 

Your mother arrived today. She’s been given rooms at the palace. The one’s I had planned to give to you. I enjoy seeing her so often. I apologize if I have practically stolen your mother. I wish only to look after her and ensure she has everything she could need. To honor you and her. It’s nice to have someone who finally understands the torment I’ve been in, not known where you are. We’ve cried together so many times. I thought my heart had healed, but when I see your mother, it reminds me so much of you and the hole in my heart aches so much. My dearest friend, where are you? I will continue to search for you, of course. But I cannot search the whole world, no matter how much I’d like to. 

I took another step towards dealing with my fear of magic. I went to a witch to see if she could give me direction on how I should continue my search. She gave me a general area, however she said you’d be difficult to find for her because you could hide yourself from her since you’re Emrys. The trip to her wasn’t fruitless though. She thanked me for everything I had done to change Camelot. She thanked me for keeping Freya, which I had never thought of before. Why would I not keep my own daughter. Of course, I hadn’t thought of the possibility of parents getting rid of their children, if they appeared to have magic. I couldn’t imagine that. I’m glad I don’t have to. 

Your friend,  
Arina Pendragon

My dearest Merlin, 

I saw a woman in town who looked extremely similar to you today. That poor woman. I must confess that I’m starting to give up hope. These letters used to be a source of comfort to me, because I felt as if one day you’d read them. However, they’ve turned into the opposite. I must accept the harsh reality that I will never see you again. I will continue to look after your mother, of course. I couldn’t bear the thought of her by herself. 

If this is to be my last letter to you, there are a few things I wish to say. Thank you for the things you’ve taught me. I appreciate every second of those moments, now more than ever. Thank you for all the times you’ve saved me. Gaius mentioned a few of those times the last time I saw him. I can’t believe I didn’t know. I feel foolish if I dwell on it too long, so I shall not now. I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention to you. I’m sure I could’ve realized you had magic much sooner, if I just looked. I’m sorry for my ignorance and my quick judgment. I didn’t not mean it in the moment and now live to regret it. Lastly, Merlin, thank you for being my true friend. I never thought I’d appreciate your insults, but I long for them every day. My children know your name, the court knows your name. You shall never be forgotten in Camelot. I shall still reserve a small piece of hope for your return, but until then, I wish you the best. 

Your friend,   
Arina Pendragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s it! thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

hey guys! I’ve listened to what y’all were saying and I’m currently writing a prologue so everyone can know what happens next! it’ll be it’s own story and I will create a collection with this one and that one. keep an eye out for that! 

also, a little bit of self promotion here, but I made a parody song for this is fanfic. i’ll copy the link below and I hope you guys check it out! 

again, thank you so much for reading. I’ll give you more, I promise! 

https://soundcloud.com/hayley-rogers-881944046/my-dearest-merlin-3-0?ref=clipboard


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